Saturday, June 4, 2016

Turning point...?...!

Well It is 2 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I have been kept awake by my sadness for myself concerning the recent wieght gain and general lack of energy I have been feeling. I did so well. I lost 46 pounds! i wieghed what i used to my senior yea of high school. I have read and seen how the scale isn't a true story of how far a person can go when making progress. It is just merely numbers. I was on a plan. i lost 6 pounds in 3 weeks. Thats good, no scratch that, Thats GREAT! I did it. I don't know where my motivation went though. My boyfriend won't do anything to better his health unless I force him to, and when I don't have the motivation to do it for mysef you can bet your sweet ass I don't have any for him either. So here I sit on my couch trying to type as quietly as possible so as not to wake anybody in the house. I want to get back to the days of prep coking and having things ready to go. I want to eat better and not be lazy. I guess that means that the jar of Nutella is going to go bad, but it is either it or me!

I asked for a fitbit for christmas from my mother. She got me the one I wanted. I was using it and checking it religiously. Logging my food into the app and seeing if i could stay under my burned calories for the amount i have taken in for the day. I even tried keping a food journal, but that just got my the wrong kind of attention. I didn't like the feeling of people judging me for writing down the things I ate. It did however give me the accountability I think I might need again.

For the most part I eat healthy foods. Its just this recent bought of eating shit foods from fast food places because I am to lazy to go home and heat up the food i bought, cooked, and stored in the fridge. Also, who wouldn't want to eat a juicy cheeseburger with fries. The other day I even tried to rationalize that since I got the wheat bun and the smaller fries that that was somehow better for me. And while yes it was less calories it was still bad for me. I do have plans to go see a movie with a friend who is currently in the middle of his fitness journey. The same one I started my journey with.

It was great when we were working out together and I could afford a trained. Hell for $70 a month I was happy, but as it always happens I ran out of expendable moneys for these things. Eventually I got lazy and stopped going to the gym. The main reason for this is because I got a second job. I don't remember why I needed the second job but I went out and got one. Here we are 1 year and 7 months later and i still haven't been to a gym despite a free 2 week offer from said fitness friend. I should see if he still has that available.

I do miss the burn of the sore muscles. I did really well with the at home program I was doing, and am still paying for and not using. The 21 Day Fix program really does work great. Even with me, of course, cheating for a week in the middle I still managed to loose 6 pounds. It was great. I could make it great again. I am just so tired.

So the plan for the movie later today is to bring and finish 2 bottles of water and about 4 cups of carrots. I susally wolf down about 3/4 of a popcorn tub by myself. I really do love popcorn, and I even tried to rationalize that i could just get a small one to satisfy the taste for it, but what would be the point? It would just be more calories i would have to try to burn while I have no energy to do things.

I want to get my bikes tired aired up and get to riding. Every time I seem to think of that it seems to be the wrong time... like now... at 2:18 in the morning. If I didn't have a neighbor less than 3 feet away from the garage I would go turn on the air compressor.

So as it stands, right now I have to pay rent and as much of a car payment as possible. I have food for now to get me through the week till tuesday. I can't find my Filofax right now but I do plan on making a food plan. I can make salad dressign to make the spinach I eat for lunch better. I should stop eating the cheese I just bought because it is not on the list of foods I can eat if I am going to follow the 21Day Fix program. I know eating healthy works I just wok better with a plan.

I know my boyfriend will be super supportive about all this. He always has been. he will be a little sad that he won't have as much to do in the mornings to get my lunches and dinners ready, but even if he puts them together that is still super helpful and so so sweet of him. I love that he just wants to make me happy.

When I began my journey I had hit 266. The most I have ever weighed was 260. I was fine with it. Plenty of people like who I was as a person and me being overweight was never really an issue with anybody, including me. Sure I have put on 40 pounds since high school, but hey, I was happy. Then on day i weighed myself and I was 266! I was shocked! I decided to try to join my aunts run to walk fitness thing. They would walk 2 minutes and the jog for 1 and repeat 10x's or whatever the amount was. Well I was fresh off the couch and fat as ever. I don't know why I want to run,, but I know I do. So I went, but I had to walk. There was no way I could run with the amount of weight I was carrying with my. I have one bad knee from a torn and replaced ACL in my left leg. I wear a brace when I do things like walk around for four hours at my job or go to Disneyland all day with my friends.

I took it slow and Pat joined me. Sometimes I would take my boyfriend's then roommates dog with me. He was a great dog to walk with, he just wanted to run around like a crazy. {He is still alive just living with his parents across town :-)} Eventually I started going for walks during the week seeing as how the urn clinic was a Saturday morning thing. It got cold and so I joined Pat at the gym to use the treadmill. I eventually got my own membership and even got my own trainer. It was so great.

So here I sit at 2:40 in toe morning at 256.4. Almost have 1 bottle of water in my for the day. I am hoping that I can at least start with the eating healthy and getting more water in during the day for all the days. Wish me luck!